The Bro Code
by KillerMay
Summary: NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina. HIATUS.
1. Article 1

**summary**— Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— Just because a dude is a Bro, that doesn't make him _your_ Bro.

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 1<br>**Bros before ho's.  
><em>The bond between two men is stronger than the bond<br>between a man and a woman because, on average,  
>men are stronger than women. That's just science.<em>

* * *

><p>Designated driver was, by far, Sasuke's least favorite job. It especially pissed him off when some douchebag like <em>Neji<em> was there, barely drinking a beer even though they had vodka and a variety of other drinks with more alcohol. He was just _sipping_ it too. They had been there for at least an hour now and it was still his first glass.

Sasuke kind of figured that should be a good thing since it really meant that he could drink and Neji could still drive, but they took his car and he didn't like other people driving it. He was a careful driver (especially when compared to Kiba or Naruto) and Neji usually rode his douchebaggy motorcycle like a douchebag.

Because Neji was a douchebag. (Or a tool, both worked.)

So, really, he wasn't going to trust Neji with his car. The car was a piece of shit already, only costing about $1,200. His dad had refused to buy him one when he was sixteen (even though he bought one for Itachi—a motherfucking Dodge Charger, expensive shit which Itachi crashed about two months later after getting ridiculously high) so he got a job (at Hot Topic because everywhere else thought he looked "too emo" and they wanted him to sew up his gauges) and paid for it himself.

And where did it bring him? To a high school party where he couldn't even separate the bangable chicks from the non-bangable chicks.

He was seventeen, he didn't want to get up on some drunk, slutty freshman girl. That'd be fucked up.

Legal, but fucked up.

He was looking around, trying to see if there were any hot chicks from one of his classes around, so he'd at least know they were a senior, but he didn't see anyone. To be be fair though, it was a huge party and he probably missed some people.

He was considering just leaving, but he prided himself on knowing he wasn't a douchebag like Neji—a condescending asshole, yes, but not a douchebag.

Sighing, he stood up from where he was sitting on the couch. He was at least going to walk around and try to find something to do. Just as he began walking away, a shining light beamed down from the heavens.

"Sasuke?" a voice asked from behind him. He turned around to see Sakura, in all her attractive glory, standing there with a red plastic cup full of some form of alcohol. It looked mostly full.

He grunted in response and took a step closer to her so they could talk. The house they were in was kind of massive so he figured there were a lot of rooms where he could _hit that_.

She smiled at him and said, "Hey! I didn't know you'd be here, doesn't really seem like your kind of thing."

He shrugged in response. He wasn't really sure what he could say to that. He inwardly cursed his social awkwardness and wondered how he could move this conversation from a conversation to a more entertaining activity.

She didn't seem disturbed by his lack of a response and asked, "Did you come with other people?"

He nodded. "I'm DD," he said, his eyebrows furrowing because that still pissed him off. The fact that she had that mostly-full cup in her hand wasn't really helping the situation. Then again, it might be a good thing to exercise control since he was pretty much an alcoholic before he could even legally drink.

"Oh," she replied nodding. "I came with Ino and Hinata. Hinata doesn't drink so we forced it upon her." The corner of his lips upturned slightly in a smile that didn't really meet his eyes. A slightly awkward silence passed over them and after a while she said, "Hey, do you want to go somewhere less crowded?"

He smirked. He learned a while ago that Sakura had a tendency to _hint_ at things instead of saying them outright.

"Sure," he replied.

"There's probably a room or something ups—"

"Sasuke," Naruto said, stumbling over and steadying himself by grabbing onto both Sasuke and Sakura's shoulder. "Imma... Imma need you t' take me home."

Sasuke sighed inwardly. He had a theory that Naruto had a secret plan to not let Sasuke get laid because he always screwed things like this up (no pun intended). He couldn't just let him pass out somewhere though.

(That being said, he couldn't take him home either, not with his parents there. It probably wouldn't be the best idea to bring him to his house either, with his dad people chief of police and his mom being good friends with Kushina, but he'd have to find a way to sneak him in. It was moments like he was incredibly glad his room was on the first floor.)

"Fine," he replied bitterly. As Naruto let out a drunken "Woo!" and began stumbling towards to door, Sasuke turned to Sakura awkwardly and said, "See you later." before following after the drunken blond.

.

.

The next morning Naruto woke up on the couch Sasuke had in his room with an awful hangover.

Sasuke, who was standing in the doorway, threw a water bottle and a container of Advil at him and hissed, "I was _this close_ to getting laid last night, you moron."

Ignoring him, Naruto sat up straight (regretting it almost immediately), grabbed the Advil and water and said, "Thanks Bro."

"Don't 'bro' me, Asshole," Sasuke snapped back before turning out of the room, making sure to slam the door behind him.

Naruto's loud groan of pain was enough compensation for not getting laid.

.

**notes**— This is rated M because: 1. Lots of cuss words. Normally this wouldn't make me give it a higher rating than T, but there's other stuff too, so. 2. Lots of mentions of sex. It probably won't be graphic, but most of this chapter was about Sasuke wanting to bang a girl. I mean, come on. 3. Lots of drugs and alcohol. They're teenagers. Teenagers do this shit. I was at a party this week and I was one of two people who had never / didn't currently smoke weed.


	2. Article 52

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— I really need to redye my hair. This time though, I have shampoo specifically made for red hair so it's supposed to last a helluva lot longer. It better be worth it. It's from Sally's and that shit can get cray in the money department. (Dear God, I actually talk like this. D:)

All of these chapters be varying in length.

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 52<br>**A Bro is not required to remember another  
>Bro's birthday, though a phone call every now<br>and again probably wouldn't kill him.

* * *

><p>It was September 21st. Naruto was almost positive that it was Sasuke's birthday.<p>

After all, it was winter (No, wait, it was fall... Whatever, it was hella cold outside in Konoha) and Sasuke was a cold-hearted person so it only made since that he would be born on a cold day of the year.

That being said though, Konoha had some pretty fucked up weather. Autumn had cold days (like September 21st), but then the next day it could be unreasonably hot. It was the same with spring. Winter was always ridiculously cold, but rarely ever cold enough to snow, and summers were really fucking hot.

But yeah, Naruto was thinking it was Sasuke's birthday.

So, he did what any ultra awesome bro would do and sent him an email.

.

To: Sasuke (thebombdotcom)  
>From: Naruto (ramenmessiah)<p>

Happy birthday, Bro.

.

Having already done his good deed for the day, Naruto smiled at his thoughtfulness and laid down on his bed to take a nice, relaxing nap. He always enjoyed the moments when he could inexplicably wake up early and do a nice thing so he could go back to sleep.

(Today, he had woken up at eleven o'clock. Like, what the fuck is that? Seriously. It was Sunday and he didn't like to wake up until at _least_ one and he normally didn't. Unless, of course, it was one of those Sundays where his mother decided they didn't go to church enough and that Jesus was going to get mad but those days didn't come too often and they always went to the late service.

Naruto liked that churches didn't all start at eight in the morning because his mother would hurt him if he didn't go whenever she—his phone buzzed.)

Grabbing his phone, he saw the little symbol at the top indicating that he had a new email.

Naturally, it was _probably_ Sasuke thanking him for his consideration and asking for sex because the Uchiha _definitely_ wanted a piece of Naruto's ass. Probably. He was pretty sure, because who didn't? Honestly.

.

To: Naruto (ramenmessiah)  
>From: Sasuke (thebombdotcom)<p>

It's not my birthday. Idiot.

.

Naruto scoffed and didn't bother to reply.

He could have at least said thank you. Rude.

.

**notes**— I pretty much based Konoha weather off of what I know. That shit does in fact happen. Good times though. Brownie points if you know the song that Sasuke's email user is. Favorite band, guys. FAVORITE BAND.


	3. Article 27

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— "If you don't want to hit that, then I'm sorry, but you might be gay." "Hell yeah I'm gay—gay for _you_."

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 27<br>**A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other  
>Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.<p>

* * *

><p>Naruto was disgusting. That, Sasuke could say (or think, in this case) with absolute confidence. (Actually he could say a lot of things with absolute confidence, that was just one example.)<p>

But yeah, Naruto was disgusting and, as a result, now had various things dripping down his shirt.

Sasuke suppressed a twitch but he wasn't all that sure it was working because he was about to vomit instead. Naruto finished eating (read: smearing food across his face) and glanced down at the mutilated shirt.

"Oh. Well, shit," he said, dabbing at the shirt with his equally as dirty napkin.

Sasuke was still so, so disgusted. The only good thing about the situation was that everything was dressed and he was still perfectly clean and attractive. (Sometimes, Sasuke liked to wonder how he could know Naruto since forever and neither one of them rubbed off on the other. He knew that he would never be... [he would have to find a synonym for disgusting... revolting? Yeah.] revolting like Naruto, but he figured the blond might become a _little_ civilized.)

"You are the most repulsive person I have ever had the misfortune to be around," Sasuke said in his typical monotone, looking away from the sight.

"Yeah, so I'm gonna need you to keep looking over in that direction 'cause the shirt is coming off."

Sasuke's eyes snapped back over to the blond with a look of fright and confusion mixed together on his face. "What?"

Ignoring him, Naruto said, "I like how I say to _keep_ looking away and that I will soon lack a shirt and you quickly turn to face me..." As far as Naruto was concerned, this just proved that Sasuke was deeply in love with his body.

Because who wasn't?

Honestly.

(Naruto was sexy and he knew it. He knew [strike]a lot of[/strike] things but_ that_ he knew better than anything.)

Sasuke scoffed. He wasn't embarrassed because he didn't _get_ embarrassed. "Don't flatter yourself."

"You think I'm sexy..." Naruto replied in a sing-song voice. "Anyways, so yeah, I'm definitely going to need you to turn around or, if the temptation will be too much, leave the room."

"Fuck you."

"No Sasuke, that's why you need to look away." Sasuke looked at him with disgust. They stayed there staring at each other for a while before Naruto said, "I'm not taking off my shirt until you stop staring at me."

Sasuke was, at that moment, very grateful that he didn't just say things and always thought about it first. Otherwise, he would have immediately replied _I'm not going to stop staring at you until you take your shirt off_.

But he didn't, so everything was okay.

"Why don't you just leave the room?" he asked. Honestly, it wasn't like he had another shirt in the kitchen anyways. "Or do you _want_ to strip in front of me?" He raised an eyebrow to go along with the question and smirked.

Now, it was Naruto's turn to roll his eyes. "Sasuke, _you_ could look away. I can't control where I feel the need to strip. The laundry basket is right there," he pointed at the basket in a short hallway next to the kitchen. "And I ain't getting any food on my bedroom floor. That'd be nasty as fuck."

Sasuke wondered how he didn't mind getting food all up on his shirt but gave a shit when it was his bedroom.

Also, he had seen Naruto's bedroom and it was disgusting in a completely different way, but still incredibly disgusting. (Sasuke knew—he _knew_—that he had seen a pile move once. An _entire_ pile.)

Since Sasuke didn't reply, Naruto said, "Yeah, so, shirt—it's coming off. And I know I'm hella hot, but you staring at me is gonna make me totes uncomfortable. So."

By this time, Sasuke was completely spaced out and staring at the table.

Naruto to this as a go-ahead to take his shirt off.

He threw the shirt in the laundry basket and turned back to Sasuke, who was now staring at him. "Sasuke, really? Uncomfortable. Straight up."

"Wha—Why—The fuck?"

"I _told_ you I was taking my shirt off," Naruto replied, walking towards the kitchen door. He had to go upstairs and put another shirt on. Before he left the room, he turned towards Sasuke and said, "Hey, I know I'm walking away, but if you could not stare at my ass, that'd be great."

"Fuck you."

"NO, THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO LOOK AWAY."

.

**notes**— Meh. Not sure how I feel about the ending.


	4. Article 88

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— I'm hungry. We have no food. It's 9:30.

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 88<br>**If a Bro, for whatever reason, must drive another  
>Bro's car, he shall no adjust the preprogrammed<br>radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position,  
>even if the last requirement results in the Bro<br>trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

* * *

><p>"Sasuke, you're really drunk," Naruto observed. Sasuke had a tendency to get really drunk (which wasn't really a good thing because he was underage, not that Naruto could really talk about staying sober...) and this party wasn't any exception.<p>

The last time, Naruto made him DD so he _couldn't_. Sasuke decided to get payback this time by quickly assigning it to him when he arrived at his house.

That, of course, meant Naruto would have to drive Sasuke's car. The old Jeep Wrangler was a piece of shit. You wouldn't know it just by looking at it since Sasuke had a tendency to keep it looking fairly nice. It was a dull gray with a beige-brown top. It was cheap when he bought it and, since Jeeps were already not very reliable, _awful_.

Naruto was terrified of _riding_ in it, he knew he wouldn't appreciate driving it.

Sasuke laughed in reply to Naruto's comment. He was one of those drunks that was always happy and always laughing. It was kind of (really) annoying. Naruto couldn't stand people that thought everything was funny (even though half the time he was that person).

"C'mon, we should go, where 're your keys?"

Sasuke laughed again and fell into Naruto's shoulder, tired. Through his laughs he replied, "In... In my... Holy _fuck_," he exploded into a laughing fit.

"In your...? Jacket?"

The Uchiha shook his head, still laughing. He wrapped his arms around Naruto, trying to steady himself. Naruto ignored it because Sasuke was drunk and it was okay if he wanted to be weird.

"P-Pocket," he stuttered out through his laughs.

"Then get them out."

"I can't. I'll fall."

Naruto inwardly groaned. "Which pocket?"

"Front right."

His eye twitched. He did _not_ want his hand that close to Sasuke's dick. He would much prefer molesting his ass. Deciding he wasn't going to do it with so many witnesses around, Naruto dragged his drunk friend outside and towards the Jeep.

Sasuke began laughing as soon as they got outside. "It's so cold!" he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Naruto's neck from behind.

The blond was super uncomfortable already. "Okay Sauce-y, I just want you to know that what I'm about to do is not—_NOT_—an invitation for you to molest me." Sasuke found that to be super hilarious.

Naruto turned around but Sasuke decided that he didn't want to move so he kept his arms around the others neck. Naruto was, at that moment, incredibly glad that Sasuke was a short little bitch; when he forced himself around (carefully, as to not accidentally brush up against his Bro's undercarriage), he was met with the sight of Sasuke's hair and not his face.

Which meant no awkward-accidental-7th-grade-kiss-situation. THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN AND WE WILL NOT TALK ABOUT EVER AGAIN.

Letting out a deep breath, Naruto reached into Sasuke's pocket, searching for the keys. He felt nothing, except some spare change. Sasuke was still laughing. "_My_ right, Dumb-ass."

Naruto ripped his hand away quickly, grumbling about nothing. He moved his hand to the other pocket and pulled the keys out quickly. He unlocked the car and forced Sasuke into the passenger seat; he passed out. Going back around to the driver's side, Naruto got in.

The seat was the most uncomfortable thing he had ever had the misfortune of sitting in.

Since Sasuke was so much shorter than him, the seat couldn't be leaning back much. Naruto, who had hit a large, random growth spurt the summer between his sophomore and junior year, was used to driving with the seat leaned back to perfection. He knew he couldn't adjust the seat though because it took him long enough to make his seat perfect, he could only imagine how hard it was for Sasuke.

On top of that, Sasuke had a tendency to get angry over really stupid things and that would probably be one of them.

So, that was how Naruto had to drive home. Awkwardly pushed forward in the front seat of a car with a passed out Sasuke in the passenger seat.

When he got to his house, he began to pull Sasuke out of the car (his back hurting like a motherfucker). He woke up again and got all up in Naruto's business again.

He ended up having to carry him inside, piggy-back style.

.

When Naruto woke up in the morning, his back still hurt like a motherfucker and Sasuke woke up only to punch him in the face because his footsteps were too damn loud.

Naruto fucking hated everything.

.

**notes**— My father just got home. He won't buy me food at this time but he said we'll get Chick-fil-a in the morning. Okay.


	5. Article 83

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— Y'all, legit? I hate everything. Except Sasuke. And my hair. But, ugh. Also, I've discovered that I'm very critical when it comes to show choir performances. But it was bad. _Try a smile_.

Fun Fact: Sasuke's Jeep was supposed to be green. I didn't even realize I'd written gray until after it was posted... My sub-conscience wants a gray Jeep so okay.

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 83<br>**A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule:  
>Never, ever, ever, ever "love" thy neighbor.<br>In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up  
>romantically with a co-worker.<p>

* * *

><p>Naruto's new neighbor was hot.<p>

Like, no shit, she had _everything_. Especially boobs. No, she didn't have multiple boobs, the two she had were just... _large_. Very large. If there was one thing Naruto appreciated it was when things were large in all the right places.

And hot damn, that was the right place... Or would it be places, since she had two?

He wasn't sure (he wasn't sure about a lot of things), he just knew she had boobs. And they were large. Aww yeah.

So, that prompted him to talk to her.

The day she moved in, he walked over, ignoring the depressed-looking 10-year old (which he assumed was a little sister or something) and the guy he assumed was their dad (who was giving him a death glare that could rival Sasuke's), he walked over and said, "Hi, I'm Naruto. Welcome to the neighborhood." He then gave her one of his panty-dropping smiles (as he liked to call it).

Something dropped. But it was her. To the ground. As she _fainted_.

"Holy _shit_," he muttered before leaning over. He called for her dad. Her sister looked over and rolled her eyes.

When her dad came over, he picked her up and began taking her inside. He told Naruto to go home.

It wasn't a very productive day.

The next day, he tried again. He happened to be standing outside when she went out to check the mail. It probably seemed creepy.

"Hi," he said again. "I'm Naruto. If you don't remember. We kind of met yesterday. Kind of."

Then, she turned red and he was afraid she might faint again. "I-I'm... Hinata," she stuttered out softly. She wasn't looking him in the eye. He didn't know if that was a good sign or not.

"Well, Hinata—" he got cut off by a car horn. "—_Motherfucker._" It scared the shit out of him. He turned around and there was Sasuke, thinking he was _so_ cool because he was wearing sunglasses and driving a Jeep.

[STRIKE, HOLY SHIT.] He was pretty hot, actually. [.STRIKE.]

"THE FUCK YOU WANT?" he yelled at the car.

Sasuke pulled up closer to him and rolled down the passenger-side window. "Get in, Asshole," he said before sinking down in the seat to wait. He knew Naruto was going to take a long ass time.

Naruto sighed before turning to Hinata. Before Sasuke could bitch, he said, "I'll talk to you later, yeah? Maybe see you around school?" She nodded quickly before grabbing her mail and getting out of there.

Groaning, Naruto pulled open the car door and got in angrily. He slammed the door shut before sinking deep down in the seat and narrowing his eyes at nothing. After several seconds of silent riding, he said, "Cock-block. That's what you are."

"Excuse me?" Sasuke replied, raising an eyebrow.

"That girl? She's my new neighbor. She's hot. I was trying to get on that."

Suddenly, Sasuke slammed on the breaks. Naruto flew forward before being violently pulled back by his seat belt. "What the _fuck_?" He was incredibly glad they were still in the neighborhood and had nobody behind them.

He was also glad to know that Sasuke's breaks did in fact work.

Turning the car off (in the middle of the street), Sasuke turned to face him and just... kind of _stared_. It made Naruto incredibly uncomfortable.

"_What_?"

"You can't hit up your neighbor."

Naruto blinked. The fuck. "Why not?"

Sasuke gave him his best you're-a-moron-look. "She's your _neighbor_, Idiot. _And_ she just moved in. She's going to be there for a while," he explained. And, as much as Naruto didn't want to admit it, he made a lot of sense. He couldn't hit and quit his _neighbor_.

"...Fuck you, Bro. Fuck you." Sasuke rolled his eyes, Naruto continued, "Like, seriously? You couldn't let me be stupid like you usually do? NO, YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN MY SEXY-TIME."

Sasuke looked at him with a mixture of concern and disgust before turning around and restarting the car (after several tries). "I'm not sure how to respond to that...," he muttered as a response.

"If I wasn't already not-a-virgin, you would be the thing that makes me a virgin forever. You're like an ugly face—I don't have an ugly face but you—you are the human-version of an ugly face. You're the Kanye to my T-Swizzle. Interrupting my shit."

"How far back did you have to look to make that reference?" Sasuke deadpanned.

"Motherfucking cock-block. You just—YOU JUST WANT ME FOR YOURSELF. I'M NOT AN OBJECT."

Twitching, Sasuke replied, "Shut _up_, Moron."

"No denial."

At the next stop sign (which was only a few feet away because they were _everywhere_), Sasuke pressed down on the break quickly, making the blond fly forward again, before flipping him off.

.

**notes**— My new school is ghetto. I want to transfer after the year is over but according to my mother, "From what I can tell, they're all like that."

Okay. Cool. Imma need to be on a plane back to my life where people aren't ghetto and weird and ugh.

ALSO, MY ALLERGY MEDICATION CAN CAUSE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION AS IF I WASN'T ANXIOUS ENOUGH.


	6. Articles 13, 14, and 31

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— I'm going to awkwardly ask you to follow me on Twitter now since I'm just getting into it. The name is on my profile. (since I can't trust myself to stick to the same one, I'm not going to bother writing it here.)

Kellin Quinn is beautiful. I want that documented.

There are a lot of articles I could have used with this chapter, so I picked three.

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 13<br>**All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 14<br>**If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual  
>history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence<br>and play dumb. Better to have women believe  
>that all men are stupid than to tell the truth.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 31<br>**When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest  
>chick first because you just never know.<p>

* * *

><p>"Sasuke, I need you to be my wingman."<p>

Sasuke glanced up from the book he was reading (because he was an intellectual) to give Naruto his best blank-yet-still-resentful look. Since that was his main facial expression, he was pretty good at it and the blond seemed to get the message.

"Seriously, Bro, I _need_ a wingman." Or, maybe he didn't.

"And _why_, pray tell, does it have to be _me_?"

Naruto didn't have a good answer for that. "Because you're Sasuke!"

Rolling his eyes, the Uchiha decided he just wouldn't reply and went back to reading his book. That was when Naruto started whining. "But Saaaaasukeee!" He was ignored. "I need yooooouuuu!" That didn't work either so Naruto took a different approach by getting all up in his business and saying, "What would _Batman_ do?"

Sasuke glanced up at him, eyebrow raised because he was dealing with an idiot. "Batman would not give a shit."

"Okay. What if _I_ was Batman—"

"Don't insult him like that."

Naruto ignored the comment and continued. "—and you were my butler... uh... What's his face?"

"Alfred?"

"Yeah. And you were Alfred. _Then_ would you be my wingman?"

"..._Bruce Motherfucking Wayne doesn't need a wingman_."

"JUST BE MY FUCKING WINGMAN, DAMMIT."

Sasuke paused because he felt uncomfortable. He didn't like being yelled at. Also, Naruto was loud and he was louder when he was yelling so he _might _be deaf. He glanced over to where the blond was standing only to find nothing._  
><em>

The fuck.

Folding down the corner of the page, Sasuke stood up and looked around.

...Only to get jumped on and pushed right back down. "What the _fuck_?"

"I'M GOING TO KIDNAP YOU."

And that was the story of how Sasuke ended up at teen club called Club 4-20 (the subtly of their weed reference was admirable) scouting out prostitute-looking-yet-still-almost-eighteen-or-already-eighteen year olds that would bang his best friend.

It was boring and he wasn't horny so he wasn't going to get all up on somebody because he didn't feel like it.

Right now, Naruto was on the other side of the club, scouting out girls. Sasuke was bored and alone.

"O-M-G," a girl's voice came from behind him. He groaned inwardly and turned around. _Mother of God_. "We could totes be twins!" The girl looked like she could be his sister. Or his mother, since he looked just like his mother, but still. It was scary.

She had the same facial shape, the same dark hair, her eyes were the same shape but lighter than his—only barely though.

He was beginning to think that his parents had a secret child.

It didn't matter though, the point was that he was going to have fun with this because from the way the girl was carrying herself, she was either drunk or high (this was a terrible establishment) and stupid.

He engaged her in conversation (awkward conversation because he was painfully inept in social situations) and then said, "Let me introduce you to my friend..."

She nodded and followed him around the crowd of dancing people—Hell would freeze over before he'd walk through it—to find Naruto. "Ooh, is your friend the hot blond?" she asked as he came into view.

Sasuke nodded, vaguely wondering in the back of his mind if agreeing meant he found Naruto hot.

She stopped walking and he turned around to look at her. "Your friend... does he do, like, one night stands a lot and stuff?"

_Yes, _Sasuke answered in his head. He _claimed_ he did at least. "Why?"

"'cause I _hate_ guys that are total whores and only use girls for sex and stuff."

Sasuke really wanted to tell her that he totally did and make Naruto less likely to get laid tonight but he wanted to see how this would turn out and... well, he just couldn't do that to a Bro.

"No, not at all," he replied. He could hear the deadpan tone his voice had took on, but she apparently didn't as she smiled and nodded and continued walking.

.

Naruto, on the other hand, was busy scouting out another girl to hit on. The first girl he hit on went terribly. It made sense, she was the hottest girl in the place so he didn't really expect it to work out in his favor.

The problem was actually that she had a penis hidden behind that an-inch-past-her-butt dress. He didn't know how that happened.

He didn't really want to think about it.

So, now he was looking for the _second_ hottest girl (or, he supposed, the hottest girl since they weren't a girl, but they identified as a girl so he supposed that made them one—he didn't judge, he just wasn't going to put a gender.) in the club.

That was when Sasuke came up, followed by a girl.

Who was probably the hottest girl in the club. Boo-yah.

She had dark hair—black, with a bit of blue under the light—and dark eyes that had more of a gray-ish tint than the blue of her hair. Which just so happened to be his type. Plus, she was stumbling and Naruto had no morals so he would totally bang a drunk chick.

"Hi, I'm Naruto," he said when the two stopped in front of him. He was using his sexy voice and giving her his panty-dropping grin. He wondered when he became so devilishly attractive. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

She giggled into her palm. "I'm Satsuki."

Sasuke paused and looked off into space, trying to figure out where his parents would have the time to have another child that was his age. He didn't think that was possible. Maybe she was his cousin? It seemed a little too coincidental...

The blond and Satsuki were busy making small talk while Sasuke zoned out. Eventually, she agreed to let him come over to her house as long as he drove. Taking advantage of Sasuke's distraction, Naruto quickly grabbed the car keys out of his front pocket and guided the girl by the small of her back towards the door and then towards the car.

When Sasuke came back to the real world, he wondered how he was going to get home and tried to figure out how exactly he was supposed to feel about Naruto sleeping with a girl that looks almost exactly like him...

.

**notes**— YOU NEED SOME ELLIPSES? I GOT YOU YOU SOME ELLIPSES, BOO.

Did you know that Robert Downey Jr. is almost 50? I've never felt like more of an anti-cougar. He's so attractive though...


	7. Article 29

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— I hate it when people type entirely in caps lock because it makes my thought-voice scream at me.  
><strong>notes2<strong>— I'm at my grandparents house for a while (almost two months) and I don't think I'll have legitimate internet access a lot. I have my phone, but I can't write on that, so. Updates might be scarce, which sucks because this was supposed to be The Summer of Me, but whatever.  
><strong>notes3<strong>— I'm not sure everyone knows this is a NaruSasu story, even though it's in the summary...

.

**THE BRO CODE.  
><strong>_(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.)_

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 29<br>**If two Bros decide to catch a movie together,  
>they may not attend a screening that begins after<br>4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost savings, they  
>shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead<br>to procure individual bags.

* * *

><p>"Saaaasuke," Naruto whined. He was sitting upside down on the couch, his head hanging off. The blood was rushing to his head. He knew he should probably sit up but he was just <em>so bored<em> and he figured it was shown better sitting upside down.

"What do you want?" Sasuke said in monotone, vaguely wondering whether they had had this conversation before. He was sure they had.

"Let's go _do something_."

Sasuke gave him a blank look because he was a moron and he wanted to punch him. Right in the face. "Like what," it wasn't a question because that would imply he was entertaining the idea and he would prefer to just send him away forever.

Naruto turned around on the couch and felt incredibly light headed. "Uh... What time is it?"

Sasuke pulled out his iPhone (because it was really just a fancy, expensive clock) and checked the time. "Two," he answered, wondering why he was hanging out with an idiot like Naruto (and wondering why he was even awake—it was Saturday after all) so early in the day.

"Let's go see a _movie_."

Sasuke resisted rolling his eyes. "Yeah," he began sarcastically. "Because it's not like we're poor or anything."

His mouth pulling to the side in thought, Naruto stroked his chin. He stayed like that for a long time while Sasuke pulled his phone out again and began playing a game. Naruto was thinking. It was going to be a while.

Suddenly, Naruto jumped up (making Sasuke almost drop his phone), his index finger raised as if he had just had _the_ best idea ever.

If Sasuke was anyone else, he would be looking forward to hearing it. He wasn't though so he couldn't find it within himself to really give a shit. "The _dollar_ theater."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. _D__oesn't that only have old movies?_ he thought. Luckily, Naruto happened to be a mind reader. When it came to Sasuke at least.

"Old movies are better than sitting around and doing nothing, Bro."

"...I'm not wasting money."

"You will."

Rolling his eyes, Sasuke humored him by asking,"Why?"

"Because you love me. Duh."

* * *

><p>Somehow from that conversation, they did actually end up at the dollar theater. They picked a random movie that they knew wasn't some lame-ass rom-com (or worse, just the rom).<p>

The girl in the ticket booth was unabashedly flirting with a completely oblivious Sasuke. Naruto was bored so he put his arm around him in what could easily be perceived as a Bro-hug which is why he stared directly at the ticket girl while narrowing his eyes. Her face fell and her eyes widened.

Sasuke looked at him with confusion but figured he was just being a freak again.

The girl quickly took their money, handed them their tickets, and offered a rushed, "Have a nice day." Sasuke was still confused because, since he was so _incredibly_ attractive, he had never been rushed away like that.

He forgot about the entire situation as soon as Naruto began pushing him towards the theater door.

"Idiot, stop touching me," he said once they were inside and the blond was _still_ pushing him, this time towards the snacks.

"If you want me to stop touching you, become a_ leader_, not a follower. Gosh Sasuke," he replied. "Stop being such a pussy."

It was after that sentence that Sasuke got a deep, overwhelming urge to violently punch Naruto in the face until he was crying on the ground with blood all over his face, then he would try to stand up and Sasuke would _stab him through the heart_.

Suppressing his homicidal tendencies, he stood up straighter and stalked over towards the snack booth. Snickering to himself, Naruto followed his best friend.

"How much money do you have?" the Uchiha asked when Naruto caught up to him.

"Uh...," he began, pulling out his wallet. "We can maybe swing for some popcorn. Two small ones, maybe."

Sasuke let out a sigh before looking at the blond with a blank look. "Fan-_fucking_-tastic. You go get that. I'm not standing in that fucking line."

"That's not even fair, you bastard!" Sasuke was already walking away. Scoffing, Naruto walked over to the snacks to buy the popcorn. He was contemplating what he should do for revenge. he thought about just buying one popcorn but Sasuke was unpredictable and would probably just eat it anyways. So, he decided that he would just think of something later. Something amazing.

.

Carrying the two buckets of popcorn, Naruto walked into the theater and looked for Sasuke.

He was incredibly easy to find considering he was _the only person in there_.

"Where _is_ everyone?" he asked, handing one of the popcorns to his friend and taking the seat next to him.

"It's two thirty on a Saturday," Sasuke replied in monotone, staring straight ahead at the movie trivia on the screen. "They're probably at their lives."

"...Does that mean _we_ don't have lives?"

"Yes."

"Well damn." Sasuke, who hadn't turned away from the movie trivia, nodded in response and let silence fall on them.

Naruto groaned inwardly, bored, before sinking down in his seat and propping his legs up on the seat in front of him. The trailers hadn't even started yet and the lights hadn't begun to dim so he pulled out his phone and began playing a game. As it turned out, he kind of sucked at it, which also got old pretty fast.

Grunting, he glanced at the time. The movie (the trailers at least) were supposed to start in four minutes. Which, when sitting in a theater with one other person who seems to be more entranced with repetitive movie trivia, seemed like _forever_.

Throwing his head back, releasing a large breath to show just how bored he was (which Sasuke didn't respond to), and began to study his nails as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. They were rather pretty though, they were really white and perfectly shaped almost as if he got manicures. He didn't though, he was just a fantastic specimen of the human species.

While he continued to think about how utterly fantastic he was, the lights began to dim and a generic "Please turn off your cell phones!" commercial came on. He straightened up in his seat a little and looked over to see Sasuke, who was looking bored.

Naruto didn't understand how he could be so enthralled with the trivia and not care in the slightest about trailers. It seemed like they would go hand in hand and at least the trailers could be interesting. They were learning about new movies they could see months after their initial release date when they too made it into the dollar theater.

Staring at the trailers, Naruto began eating his popcorn since the movie _was_ about to start. Multiple trailers and an empty bucket of popcorn later, the movie started.

Within the first few minutes, Naruto raised an eyebrow. It seemed incredibly familiar.

He leaned over to Sasuke. "Have we seen this before?"

Sasuke stared at the screen for a little while longer before answering. "I... think so."

"Well that's lame, I don't want to watch the same thing twice," he whispered. He wasn't sure _why_ he was still whispering since no one else was there, but he didn't dwell on it too much. "...I feel like I remember every detail about this."

Sasuke grunted in agreement, still not bothering to look at him.

Rolling his eyes, Naruto sank back down into the seat. Sasuke was, first and foremost, a _killjoy_. He reached into his popcorn, only to feel the bottom of the bucket and a few non-popped kernels.

This time, he very audibly groaned and threw the empty container on the ground, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling.

Sasuke shifted his eyes over to the blond, raising an eyebrow, almost like he cared (he didn't though). Naruto, feeling the older boys stare on him, turned to look at him and glared. Rolling his eyes, the raven-haired male turned back towards the screen.

They sat quietly for a while, Sasuke watching the movie and Naruto trying to pay attention, but deciding instead that he wanted more popcorn.

He thought about all the ways he might be able to get it. At first, he figured he could just go back out to the lobby and buy more but then he remembered a detail that would make that a little hard: _he was broke_. He contemplated stealing Sasuke's wallet to buy more, but that had two problems: 1. Sasuke kept his wallet in his back pocket, awk and 2. he probably didn't have any money anyways.

He didn't want to practically grope him only to find out it was without purpose.

That, of course, only left one logical option (an illogical option being to take down the movie theater and steal all of their popcorn): to steal _Sasuke_'s popcorn.

It did, vaguely, for a split second, cross his mind that he could just go without popcorn. He had already had his so he could probably make it. As soon as that thought entered, the more _rational_ side (not really though) of his brain reminded him that he was a growing almost-an-adult boy that needed to eat to stay healthy.

The other side of his brain didn't mention that the popcorn was practically bathing in butter and wasn't all that healthy, he had already made up his mind to take some. It _did_ however remind him that Sasuke was probably a murderer and could very well stab him because he also might be Wolverine.

(Naruto had a lot of theories about Sasuke.)

Glancing at the barely touched bucket in his friend's hands, he tried to think up a strategy. Luckily, Sasuke wasn't a huge fan of popcorn, it was _too loud_, he said. He rarely reached up to take any. The less he ate, the more chance Naruto had of making it out with both of his hands.

The real problem was being able to take any without Sasuke noticing him shifting or his arm being a little too close while he was reaching over.

It seemed a little impossible.

Turning the face the screen, the blond began _ever so slowly_ shifted his hand up the fold-down armrest. Sasuke also wasn't a fan of armrests. He was very reserved and preferred to keep to himself, which included folding his arms into himself rather than using the support of an armrest.

Sasuke glanced over at him, noting the change in position. Naruto was staring at the screen, however, so it didn't seem like he was actually all that aware.

To the Uchiha, he seemed like he was trying to get away with something but he had been told in the past that he was far too distrusting and he should try harder to be nice.

This usually came from his mother that wanted him to make friends.

While he got lost in his thoughts about trust and whatnot, Naruto saw it as a good opportunity to reach over (ever so slowly) towards the popcorn. He reached into the container and could feel it. Grinning to himself, he reached in deeper to get a large handful.

That was, of course, when Sasuke decided he hadn't had any popcorn in a while and it was only common courtesy—since someone else paid—to eat it.

Their reactions were one of the main reasons it was great to be the only people in there.

Naruto dropped all of the popcorn, a very _manly and heterosexual_ blush crossing his face as he ripped his hand away and coughed awkwardly.

Sasuke was also blushing, which he considered very _manly and heterosexual_ and Naruto considered proof that he was irrevocably in love with him. His face was turned to the side and his body was tense. Before turning back to the movie, he loosened up slightly and cleared his throat. The blush (which needed a more _manly and heterosexual_ word) was still there, but only lightly.

They watched the rest of the movie without looking at each other, nobody ate the popcorn, and they never spoke of it again.

.

**notes**— Is "new" Fanfiction beautiful or do I hate it? I'm leaning towards hate but I hate change. Doesn't really matter though since I usually use mobile. I'm only ever on here to type shit.

This chapter was long (in comparison to the others, at least...) guys! :D


	8. Article 63

**summary**— NARUSASU. AU. Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Brodom, and dedicated to the proposition that all Bros are created equal. Slight SasuSaku and NaruHina.  
><strong>notes<strong>— Important articles for the soul: Article 72— A Bro never spell-checks. Probably not the best advice, but unfortunately how I roll. I'm trying to change. I promise.

If I had shame, this chapter would have been seven times more awkward to write. **THIS CHAPTER IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF "WHY I RATED THIS M"**. (moreso than any others)

Anyways, I have an excuse for why this is so overdue. You probably don't care though. However, I started this chapter twice and hated it both times. That always seems to happen if I don't write the entire chapter in one sitting.

Also, I'm very, very addicted to this website amirite dot net. GO MAKE AN ACCOUNT AND LOVE ME. My username on there is Statefarm.

.

**THE BRO CODE.**  
><em>(this cool story was brought to you by bro incorporated.<em>)

* * *

><p><strong>ARTICLE 63<strong>  
>A Bro will make any and all efforts<br>to provide his Bro with protection.

* * *

><p>Alcohol might have made the world go 'round, but Sasuke was not feeling it.<p>

Being a minor alcoholic at the age of seventeen (get it? Minor alcoholic? And he's underage?) meant it wasn't as easy for him to get shitfaced drunk as it was some of these other failures.

Also, it was only like, his second beer, but _whatever_.

Downing the rest of the beverage in his cup, he stood up to walk to the kitchen to get another. Once again, Sasuke had gone to a party and had been ditched by his asshole of a best friend. This wasn't a rare occurrence, but it still pissed him off.

"Sasuke!" he heard his name being called in a distinctly feminine voice that was almost annoying, it was so high-pitched. He got over it though, he knew who it was. This was confirmed with Sakura came bouncing over to him. "Hi Sasuke!" she said, smiling widely. He was almost positive she was high. While he was a happy drunk, she could probably be a happy... high-person.

"Hey," he replied eloquently. A silence followed.

"Uh...so, what brings you here?" she asked, twirling her hair around her finger and staring at it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. He shrugged, but he was fairly certain she didn't see him because somebody pushed their way in between them at that exact moment. It was one of those assholes that, instead of going _around_ people having a pleasant conversation, they feel the need to walk right between them. Sasuke didn't shrug again though, because if she had seen him, that would be weird.

"So... uh, why are you here?" he asked in that way only awkward people can.

"Ino," she answered. "She's always dragging me to stuff, you know?"

"Aa."

Sakura continued twirling her hair but now she was looking around the party. He assumed she was looking for a way out of this "conversation".

Just as he opened his mouth to say some bullshit about going to find Naruto, she locked eyes with him and said, "Hey, you wanna go do something more entertaining?"

His mouth snapped shut. He wasn't sure what to say to that. He wondered what was going through her mind because that comment, especially when applied with the _overly_ sexual tone, was much more forward than she usually was with him.

She raised and eyebrow and he realized he hadn't answered. "...Sure."

.

And that was the story all about how they had gotten where they were now, which was sitting on somebody's bed. They weren't sure _whose_ bed (they actually weren't all that sure whose house they were at), but they were on a bed.

Okay, well, Sasuke was sitting on a bed—Sakura was in his lap, kissing him. He had never felt more confused in his life.

For one thing, he was feeling somewhat anti-horny so it wasn't, ahem, _getting __anywhere_. Also, Sakura just wasn't a good kisser. Actually, none of the girls he had kissed were and he was beginning to wonder if _he_ was the problem.

That, of course, was ridiculous. It made a lot more sense for them to just be bad at it. Maybe he couldn't pick good girls, maybe they normally went for guys with lower standards.

He didn't know, he didn't really care.

Despite feeling rather anti-horny, Sasuke figured this was going somewhere, which also made him realize something else: he did not have a condom.

Sasuke was rather new to this "sex" thing and didn't think something like this would _actually_ happen (—and from the looks of it at the current time, it didn't look like it'd be happening tonight, if you're picking up what I'm putting down because certainly nothing is going up for Sasuke—) so he wasn't prepared (in more ways than one, if you're defending what I'm prosecuting).

As Sakura raped his face, he pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Naruto to bring him one. He then turned his attention back to Sakura, who shoved her tongue down his throat.

.

.

Naruto hated Sasuke sometimes. There he was, chatting up this fine piece of everything when his BFFL decided to drop him a line, asking for him to bring a condom to some room he didn't even specify.

The blond was all for underage, unprotected sex and Sasuke was his Bro, which made it his civic duty to bring him a condom.

That didn't mean he had to like it though.

So, he walked away from Hot Chick, whom he had given a half-assed excuse/apology to before trying to find this mysterious room. There were a total of three rooms on the second floor. He supposed he could just walk in and see if he was in there, but last time that happened he had ended up walking in on some awkward gay orgy going on.

He would prefer it if that didn't happen again.

Pulling out his wallet which only had condoms in it at this point (he was pretty broke), he counted them. He had two. _What a dilemma_, he thought, shaking his head. He was going to just slide it under the door, but he didn't even know which room they were in.

Deciding to take a lucky guess, he got on his knees and slid one of the condoms under the closet door to his right; he then turned around and put the other one under the closest door to his left.

As soon as he stood up, satisfied, Sasuke walked out of the room farthest down the hall on the right. He looked pissed.

"...Sasuke, did you not use protection?" Naruto stage-whispered to him, wide-eyed.

"Shut up, Moron," he hissed back.

Suddenly, a light bulb went off and Naruto began laughing. "That didn't even fucking happen, did it?"

"_Shut up, Moron_," Sasuke repeated, harsher this time. He just began laughing even harder.

The left the party (Naruto figuring that was a good way to end the night) and as they walked out towards the car, Naruto asked, "So, was it your fault or her fault?" Sasuke reply was a grunt though it sounded like a question. Naruto imagined it as though he was actually pronouncing a question mark.

Rolling his eyes, Naruto elaborated, "Like, she decided she didn't like you or wasn't ready or some shit or you couldn't get it up—"

At this point, they were by the shitty Jeep and Sasuke decided he was going grab Naruto by his shirt and slam him into the side of it. "_Shut up_."

This, of course, only proceeded to give him away which, of course, made Naruto break into a hysterical fit of laughter.

Doubling over (effectively resting his forehead on Sasuke's upper body), he clutched his sides. "Holy _shit_," he got out while trying to catch his breath from laughing too much. Once he had calmed down, he breathed out, "I can't believe you couldn't get it up."

When he stood straight back up, he was still grinning. He pushed Sasuke (who was practically right up on him) back and got into the car.

Sasuke stood there, frozen, for a few seconds, the only thought in his mind being that if he couldn't before, he _certainly_ could _now_.

.

**notes**— ...If you're receiving what I ordered. I like phrases you can put after double entendres, if you're eating what I'm cooking.


End file.
